Nobody said the first days were easy :P.

My very first snowboard experience was a friend leading me to the top
of a blue run (at heavenly in tahoe) and saying "see you in a couple
hours". I think I managed to tumble down that run 3 times before I was
so tired I had no hope of balancing. Despite that, I had a lot of fun,
and actually managed a turn or 2 in there.

About 2 years later, my girlfriend and I decided to up to the local
mountain for christmas day. We did the same sort of package rental +
beginners lift ticket, and got fairly good service all around. A group
lesson totally is a compramise though... by the end of the lesson, we
were linking very shakey turns, but didn't have much feedback from the
instructor on how to keep progressing as he spent most of his time
helping the slowest learning in the class. We actually spent a solid
11 hours on the bunny hill that day.

After that, I did a whole lot of $10 night ski at a local resort here.
I'd guess it wasn't until my 8th trip out that things began to make
sense, and that I improved much beyond where I was on that first day.
If I'd had personal instruction, I probibly could have eliminated
those 8 nights of falling down, but I managed to learn pretty good on
my own anyhow. After that things progressed very quickly over the next
season.

It's definately not easy, and those first few times out, all I felt
walking up to that lift line for my first ride up was complete dread.
But, I stuck at it, and now I only get that sense of dread when I'm
looking down something I know is beyond my ability, but I'm gonna try
it anyhow. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to keep facing that sense
of dread as long as I want to advance.

It's not cheap either. If it wasn't for the $10 night ski here I may
not have kept paying $40+ for each day of punishment. This is now my
2nd season of consistant riding, and if I added up all the tickets,
equipment, food, gas, advil, etc I'm sure I've spent a few $1000 on
snowboarding.

Snowboarding, and I assume skiing, are sports that definately require
you to invest in some discomfort to reap the rewards. It sounds like
you had an especially bad first time out, but I wouldn't be surprised
if most people had a fairly negative first day.

If it's not for you, that's fine, there's a million ways to have fun
that don't involve falling on your @$$ in the cold and wet ;P. If for
some reason you do decide to give it another shot, specific
suggestions would be:

Rent from a snowboard shop, not the resort. Resort's don't have much
competition pressuring them to carry good rental equipment. With a
shop, you can check out their offerings, and see how helpful the staff
are.

As for a lesson, it sounds like that resort has particularly poor
offerings. However, now that you've done the beginner one, you
probibly can come back and get a "next step" lesson that'll be a
smaller group with more focused attention. Or you can find a private
lesson. A friend who already knows how to snowboard or ski might not
be the best teacher, but they can be good encouragement.

Carry chains, the access roads for resorts are often icy here, so I
can only imagine how bad it would be on the east coast.

Try to go on a week day, or if it must be a weekend, not one that's
near a holiday. This should help cut down the crowds.

Boards are made to glide, and I'm not sure slowing one down would help
someone learn. The reason you wish it was slower is because your not
sure how to control this thing. Garlands are a great way to get some
confidence: Start out with the board pointed accross the slope. Shift
your weight toward one end of the board so that it starts to point
down the slope (just like falling leaf). Get it pointed as close to
straight down the slope as you dare, and then shift weight to bring it
back to being perpendicular accross the slope. Just keep doing that
both toeside and heelside and soon you'll get some confidence that
even if you get a little speed, you'll be able to bring that board
back around and skid to a stop.